Elle On Heels

Sunday afternoon was lovely. I sat outside and sipped wine until the sun went down, thinking I would retire early that night. Then I realized it was 5 p.m. and I’d had two glasses of wine too many. Hunger set in but no worries, I could still manage to put something together for dinner as long as it wasn’t too complicated or required three separate cooking timers. French toast came to mind which was easy enough and didn’t require a trip to the grocer for ingredients.

Speaking of, here they are:

Pain Grillé Français Ivre (Drunken French Toast)

Ingredients

• 3 eggs with shell bits retained
• 2 shakes salt from the stovetop shaker with the big holes
• 2 shakes of cinnamon with the top accidentally removed
• 1 glug milk
• 1 shake from a bag of flour + the handful that fell on the counter.
• 1 dump from the sugar canister
• Pre-sliced bread to ensure omission of unwanted fingertip marinade.
• 1 plop butter

Stir batter with whatever utensil is on top in the drawer (a corkscrew in my case, obviously). Preheat butter, forget until it burns; wash pan and repeat two more times. When butter is bubbly but not black, dunk bread into batter and leave it in too long. Pick up soggy pieces with fingers and pile into pan. Stir with potato masher until fully cooked and nicely browned. Endure brief bed spins while stirring. Scoop out of pan with butcher knife and place on plate.

Eat while hot with last sip of wine. Leave crusty dishes unwashed where they sit; soak a wash cloth in cool water and take to bed to help calm the bed down. Fall asleep 15 minutes later.

Do not repeat ever again.

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